Life & Death

When you brush fingers with the darkness of death, you learn to appreciate the light that is woven within life.

I have had this experience far more times than one could imagine.
Although this was not ideal, nor by my choosing, I have been able to find clarity and grace within such a perceived tumultuous experience. It was these moments that acted as catalysts for my own growth and development.

The most recent experience was the most transformative, as I was at a point within my own life that I had felt disconnected and lost. The things that I once aimed to achieve brought no light to me and the pit of passion within myself had been slowly dimming down into mere amber flakes.

I did not choose to greet death, yet, I chose to uncover the purpose and blessings hidden within this moment of my life.

This moment left me shattered into none. I was left to find a new sense of purpose and direction.
The path that I used to journey along was now closed from the landslide that had destroyed all what I had known.

I was forced to embrace the unknown.
And without my burning passion to lead my way, I was without light.

It took months of sitting within the darkness that was my soul.
I had no idea where to go or to turn.
I sat within the barrels of my sorrow and felt myself spiraling into a dark oblivion.
After a few months of feeling obsolete, I decided to do the unexpected.
I started exploring the unknown.
Despite not knowing where to go, I picked myself up and allowed myself to wonder into the world of possibilities.

Instead of trying to reclaim what was, I allowed myself to just be.
To accept what had happened and what I lost.

This was no easy feat.
Within the past, the need for control dictated my life.
It had attempted to do the same after my near-death experience, yet it had nothing to control as I had lost all what I knew that night that my heart stopped. So when opportunities presented themselves, I did not allow myself to turn them away or to over-analyze as I had done so frequently within the past.
Instead, I tuned into my heart and followed what brought a spark.

As the fire within me started to spark to life,
I became dedicated to it.

Losing control of my mind and body forced my soul to eject itself. I floated above my lifeless body as I watched it give out from underneath me. As doctors rushed to save my life, I felt deep bliss as I floated and reemerged within a boundless space. When I attempted to come back into myself, the excruciating feeling of systemic failure forced me out.

Letting go was what saved my life
It is the reason for why I am still here.

So learning to let go of control and accept the unexpected is what I had to do to rediscover my purpose.
To rediscover myself.

This was not an easy task, yet with effort and consistent work, it was achievable. Throughout this process, I learned to embrace grace and grant myself space. Out where the ways of hardship, as I accepted my new found softness.

Our lives are filled with these moments of hardships, and when we allow ourselves to become rigid with routine and thoughts, we place ourselves within the position to be broken.
Our inherit softness is what protects us from being completely destroyed.

Unfortunately, we have been taught that softness is a weakness.
We have been conditioned to adapt a hard mindset that strokes the need for structure and control.

Everyone is different and each path unique to them, yet from my experiences, I have learned that the path of structure and control is not meant to be.
For me at least.

I have accepted a life designed for gentle space and soft embrace.
This is my super-power.
Without this, I would not be.

That night in which my life danced with death, my ability to release and let go allowed me to come back for another chance. For another opportunity to embrace what life had in store for me.

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason.
It is not within our place to set this belief on another, so I will never force another to find the meaning within their own tragedy. Yet, for my own life, this mindset has saved me from getting lost within the storms that come to bay.

To find meaning within moments such as death, we find meaning within life.

There once was a point within my own life that I fantasized about the idea of death.
To no longer exist within this space.
To depart from my own existence and to end all what I knew.

This idea, fantasy, served as my only source of happiness.
My pit of passion was fueled with the thought of being smothered to ashes.
This darkness consumed me, day in and day out.
Many years of my life were spent existing within this space of thought.
With some conscious attempts to even end my own life, I am grateful none of them went through.

It took me almost losing my life to a situation out of my control to see the blessing that is our lives.
To fully embrace and appreciate the light that is woven within our conscious minds.

Death is not dark nor bleak.
Death is a portal into something new.
It is woven within divine bliss, yet life is saturated in sweetness.

We are conditioned to fear it, while some fantasize it. Despite our best efforts, we all will meet with death on some fateful day. The main point is to not lose yourself within this thought though. We have all come here to experience the lessons that are littered thoughout our lives.
To fear the inevitable steals you away from the precious gift that is the present moment.
The same goes for fantasizing it.

To fully appreciate this life, we must accept that death is also part of it as well.
When we allow ourselves to bathe within the light that is life, than the darkness that is death becomes less.

xxx